One Day At A Time

I haven’t written since August and it seems a world away. We went through areally tough time, he was suicidal. I spent several days and nights on suicide watch. The thing is when an alcoholic sobers up for a day or few hours they feel so guilty about everything they have said or done they get extremely low, they hate themselves and then they drink to deaden the pain they feel inside.

We went to the counsellor again at the Rehab centre he had been to 4 years previous. I had held it together until I walked through the door. i suppose I felt safe there, I felt ‘Thank God we are here now where people understand and I can share the burden’, so I broke down and couldn’t stop crying. Not big emmotional whailing or anything just quiet sobing! I know I felt like doing this for days so it was just a release in a place I felt I could do it without making him feel more guilty and low. Anyway they felt he needed to go in somewhere to detox safely and once he came to terms with what had to be done to hold us together as a family (ie. stop drinking again) we were refered to a psychiatric hospital. We went and he quickly sobered up with the reality of what was happening. After an hour of waiting the doctor on duty came out and said to him. ‘Do you feel you  are a risk to yourself?’ He ofcourse said ‘no’ and she said they couldn’t take him because he didn’t have a mental health record and they were not a detox clinic – there isn’t one int he region! So   I was on my own again! I said if given the medication I would control it and detox him at home and then go back to hte rehab centre and see what plan we could come up with. So that’s what we did. I took a few days off work and  detoxed him at home. To do this, the aocoholilc has to be committed to giving up – they have to have reached rock bottom. Chicken soup/broth is good – easy on the stomach, warm and filling. The medication stops the drink cravings, helps sleep patterns. Once he was off the drink a week we went back to the rehab centre and he was placed in a recovery group. This is a one night a week meeting for 8 weeks. He didn’t really want to go at first but said he would just to stick to the programme. Next week is his final week. I have my lovely husband back again, it is hard to believe about 10 weeks ago he was a trembiling, suicidal drunken wreck. There is hope guys, the important thing is to stay strong give them support when they are genuinely trying but look after only yourself and your dependents when they are not. And in or out of sobriety, take one day at a time.

Little steps to Sobriety

We went to see the counsellor in the rehab centre and had a good heart to heart talk. It can really help to bring in a third person who knows what they are talking about in these situations.  Yesterday was his first day without drink again and he is going to see the counsellor on a weekly basis. Fingers crossed!

Response to Alexandra: http://tiny.cc/52qLl

It’s strange that you wrote this today of all days. I haven’t tended to this blog which I set up for months. The reason being that my husband has started drinking again and I feel I can’t give advice and optimisim to others when I am finding it hard myself. Like your husband mine started to have a non alcho beer, then shandies then just ordinary beer. Then it was an occassional glass of wine with dinner. now he’s drinking two bottles of port a day plus wine and beer.

He has panic attacks when drink is leaving his system so a doctor has put on xanex again which was part of his addiction when he went into rehab 4 years ago. These with the drink make him spaced and I hate it. he recognises that its back and says he will do something ‘he has a plan’. So far the plan as I see it is to increase the amount of drinking!!

I knew this morning the next step is the depression setting in and sure enough he spent 10 minutes weeping down the phone at me while I was in work. Anyway last night I said no more I took our bank cards as it’s bill time of the month and there isn’t enough to cover everything because he is spending it on drink (it was probably this that made him cry!) but I also called the rehab centre he attended 4 years ago and made an appointment for Friday to go and talk to one of the counsellors who he had a lot of respect for – sometimes bringing in a third element or person can help solve the situation.

My husband too is a wonderful man when not drinking. Is there a counsellor or organisation you can maybe get a meeting with to help point out what’s happening and what action needs to be taken. He’s been through it before so he knows the steps and it seems to have worked for him then.

Is an alcoholic ruining your life?

Who is Ruining your Life?

Those who live with alcoholism often see themselves as martyrs or victims. They shoulder all this responsibility and carry it, they sacrifice their own interests and life to keep things together.

If that’s you, stop.  Both you and your spouse  are adults. The reason why your partner continues  drinking is because they are not taking responsibility for their actions, they are self indulgent, their lives have stagnated in the same spot when they started drinking.

When my husband was in rehab a counsellor informed the group that the drinker’s mind or emotional behaviour does not progress beyond the age they start drinking. That’s when I realised I was married to a 12 year old for the past eight years! It is so true. My husband started drinking young and his behaviour was childlike when it came to facing up to situations when he was drinking. Your spouse may have started drinking at a later age but they probably behave more immaturely than they should as an adult. Think about it.

Now I want you to think about how you are behaving – are you taking responsibility for your life? Are you taking actions to stop them drinking but in so doing are you neglecting your own development? Did your life begin to stagnate at the time when your spouse’s drinking became a problem?

By sacrificing your day to day life you are not doing yourself or anyone else any favours. You are not winning points in Heaven nor are you helping your spouse, actually you are probably helping them on their quest, this is called enabling which we’ll deal with later.

I bet when you read the name of this chapter you immediately thought of your alcoholic loved one. No, I am still not using my crystal ball, but you are wrong.

There is only one person responsible for the quality of the life any adult and that person is themselves. Your spouse is the only person who can stop themselves drinking and make their life worth living. And there is  only person who is responsible for the quality of the life you are living and that is YOU.

Taking Resposibility for Your Own Life

You have to stop leaving your fate and your happiness in the hands of someone elses actions and behaviour. You have to take 100% responsibility for how your life is going and the path it is taking. You may be feeling that you are suffering the consequences of bad choices, ‘I should never have married him’,  ‘I should never had children with him’, ‘I shouldn’t have given him control of the bank account’. These are decisions that you made in the past and the past cannot be changed.  You are older now but have you changed? Have you become wiser? You may have become more cunning in dealing with your alcoholic but have you progressed? When I look back on the years of my husband drinking, it just seems years of the same thing, the same routine of crisis management, financial disasters and an all consuming time of constantly trying to control his life and actions while neglecting myself and my life. I was a survivor, at times a martyr for the cause, a warrior, a saint, a strong headed woman. But when I look back on it, all I was, was a fool for not taking real responsibility earlier and as a result living in chaos for years. Do I regret it? No, there is no point in regretting the past, I admire the fact that I eventually did drag my feet out of the sludge and took the hard gallop to a better path – I did this by taking one hundred percent  responsibility for my own life. 

Confronting the alcoholic in your life

For a short period I went through a stage of thinking of myself as a victim that these things were happening to me. It was only when I got a grip of myself and admitted that things don’t just happen to me – they were a result of me not taking action or continuing to repeat the same reactions that didn’t work. This was my comfort zone and it took a hell of a push for me to step out of it, in hindsight I shouldn’t have let it get to that stage.

Avoiding confrontation, keeping the peace or not approaching the issues when the person is sober incase you send them on a binge is not dealing with the situation. It is important to confront the situation, this takes courage, intelligence and planning. There is no point in opening a discussion about how you feel when someone has drink taken, you do have to find the perfect moment and when it arises you need to be ready. You need to be clear with your feelings and get them across quickly and calmly. You have to state the facts. It may take a few times to get the message through but by getting your message across, you are taking back control of your life and taking a decisive step forward.

Am I An Alcoholic?

How Do You Know The Person is an Alcoholic? What I believe is that if drink is causing a problem for other people then the person has a drink problem. When my husband went into rehab they gave him a questionaire which was supposed to assess if he had a drink problem, but the questions were so riduiculous that anybody who drinks alcohol would have been branded an alcoholic by the end of it. I have in the interm found the following questionaire which I think gives a more realistic assessment:  

If your loved one is admiting to a degree that their drinking is out of control, printing this questionaire and giving it during a time of sobriety (during a remorseful hangover would be good!) might give them the extra push they need to get help.

	YES	NO
1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?
9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time of day?
11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15. Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?
16. Do you drink alone?
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic

.If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic

.If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic

(Questionaire by Dr. Robert V. Seliger for use at John Hopkins University Hospital, Baltimore, MD, in deciding whether a patient is alcoholic.)

Tips for Dealing with an Alcoholic Partner

If you have an alcoholic spouse, you don’t need to hear the long list of offenses, insults, inconveniences, embarrassments and injuries you’ve doubtless already suffered. You already know it’s a dreadful condition.

But is there anything, you wonder, that you can do about it?

I’ve been there, done that, even got the t-shirt. And I have some practical and useful tips for maintaining your sanity, bankbook and person intact.

1) My first tip is one you need to internalize: Know that this has nothing to do with you, the quality of your love, or what you have or have not done. As they say in the 12-step group Al-Anon, “You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you cannot cure it.”

I know the feeling of guilt…If only I had/hadn’t______(fill in the blank),”He wouldn’t be drinking right now.” That’s just not true. The alcoholic, always eager for an excuse to drink, may pick fights, find fault, and outright blame you. Day in and day out, that can wear a person down.

Alcoholics drink because they are mentally ill and lack the physical ability to properly metabolize alcohol.

2) That brings me to Tip #2: Take care of yourself. And the best way you can do that is to go to an Al Anon meeting, maybe even several times a week. It’s completely anonymous, extremely supportive and healing.

I can hear you now: “S/he’s the one with the problem: why should I have to go get help?” Well, it is a paradox. Without knowing it, we who are living with drinkers have gradually, almost imperceptibly, become sick along with the drinker. All that abuse and chaos! We need to help ourselves before we can be of help to anyone else.

Strangely enough, I have witnessed situations where the drinker got sober after the spouse had been going to Al Anon for a while. As the spouse got better, the situation improved. Being a powerful force of example, the alcoholic is stripped of his or her denial, and becomes willing to try sobriety. Don’t bet on it, but don’t discount it either.

3) My tip #3 is “Remove the Victim.” Do not stand there and take it. Walk away. Go for a drive. Run an errand. Do not try to argue with or reason with someone who is inebriated. By definition, somone who is intoxicated is incapable of reasoning or judgment. Again, you are saying “Why should I have to be the one who runs away?” or “I’m not going to let that drunk run me off.”

Well, sometimes we have to do what we have to do temporarily until the storm is past.

4) Tip #4 could be Tip #1 for some folks: If the alcoholic is abusive, get out. Put the kids and the family dog in the car, and go. Violence always escalates. It never subsides. Once you’re on the roller coaster of physical abuse, it is very tough to get off. Battered wife/husband syndrome is also something I have experienced. It’s almost like being under a spell. You come to believe there is nothing out there for you; that you are undesirable and unworthy, and deserving of the abuse. Once you’re in that lonely place, getting out is next to impossible.

If the alcoholic raises his or her hand to you, they will do it again, and harder the next time. Don’t kid yourself.

I’m not going to give you the advice to divorce, or separate, or anything else of that nature. Each situation is unique. Giving advice is dangerous and foolish. If divorce is something you wish to do, it is certainly one way to get out of the situation if you find it intolerable. But for those of you who can’t leave; again, take care of yourself, try to find a support group, remove the victim and if there is abuse, don’t walk; run!

I’d sort of stopped blogging on this site for a while  – why? Well I suppose I found I was indulging in bad memories from the past too much and it was bringing me down a bit. BUT I have a few readers now and it’s nice to get comments back because I feel sharing thoughts with partners in a similar situation to what I have been in and could well enter again really takes us out of the isolation that living with an alcoholic can bring. When my hubby went into rehab we had group sessions for just the partners once a week and I found it amazing that all our stories, feelings and experiences were so similar. So it helps to ’share’!

So thanks for your comments (keep them coming!) and I promise to blog more regularly.

Special Occasions – how to get through them

When you have an alcoholic, Christmas or any other occasion can fill you with dread rather than joy. You dread being invited to work parties that you ‘must’ attend as you fear your partner will get drunk and then behave badly – co workers laugh it off as once off behaviour but little do they know that you are cringing inside as this is the behaviour you put up with on a regular basis. Or else you turn down invitations when you’d prefer to be socializing and celebrating the season and all because of that risk of the embarrassment or behaviour you expect your alcoholic partner to cause. My alcoholic husband wasn’t much into socializing, he was a home drinker. He liked to drink alone and not have his drinking interrupted by visitors. Even so Christmas gave him licence to fill shopping trollies full of booze because ‘it’s Christmas and people will be calling in’. My husband didn’t like to go to parties, friend’s houses or anywhere away from the home in the evening – he would much rather ‘relax’ at home. Why? Because he couldn’t drink the same amount elsewhere, the measures were too small or he would say he couldn’t enjoy a drink because he had to drive. This excuse wouldn’t stop him drinking at home and driving afterwards but it was a good excuse not to go socializing with me. The few times he did go out with me, he would have a soft drink and then would start hinting that we needed to go – it was getting late and who ever was minding our children would be tired, or he forgot to feed the dog or whatever – it wasn’t because he had a bottle of vodka or whiskey waiting to be drunk on the kitchen counter.

How did I cope? I usually went to parties, weddings, etc. alone. Though it wouldn’t have been my first choice to attend alone and I often longed to have my husband with me when other couples would be laughing or dancing together. When I had first envisioned what my life with this man would be like, I hadn’t suspected I’d be dreading Christmas and attending parties on my own. But then, I had never suspected my life would one day be so changed and sculpted by my husband’s alcoholism.